The Plunger
A 5-minute comic play
By Jeffrey Taylor

Setting : Late evening - modestly priced home in Scottsdale, AZ - guest bathroom

Toby
(Enters bathroom - finds toilet seat cover up - scream across the house)
JEFFREY?

Jeffrey
(Working less than 10 feet away in office - screams back across the house)
WHAAAAAAT?

Toby
(angry)
You left the toilet seat up again. How many times have I told you to put the toilet seat down after you use the bathroom.

Jeffrey
(intentionally not listening - screams back)
Can't hear you?

Toby
(screaming louder)
Where's the plunger?

Jeffrey
The what?

Toby
The plunger! Where's the plunger?

Jeffrey
(Focusing intently at his e-mail)
Why do you need the plunger?

Toby
Because the bowl is full of ~~~

Jeffrey

I don't remember where the plunger is? I think it's in storage. Why?

Toby
The bowl is filled to the top with ~~~

Jeffrey
(Exasperated by the interruption - gets out of chair - walks less than 10 feet to the neighboring bathroom - looks into the bowl)
Can't this wait? I'm preparing for a client.

Toby
Who used the bathroom last?

Jeffrey
I don't remember. Who cares? The bowl is full of ~~~ Does it matter?

Toby
I can't use the bathroom. If I flush it now, its going to go all over the floor.

Jeffrey
There's gotta be a plunger somewhere in the house.

(They stop everything and separately go from room to room looking for the plunger)
 

Jeffrey
(In garage - finds a realtor's lockbox which he previously thought was lost)
So, that's where I left it?

Toby
(Yelling from another room)
You found the plunger?

Jeffrey
No. I found the lockbox I lost last fall. There has to be a plunger in the house.

Toby
(frustrated)
What time does Ace open in the morning?

Jeffrey
I don't know. 7?

Toby
I don't think they open that early.

Jeffrey
Then, why are you asking me? 8?

Toby
I'll get a plunger in the morning.

Jeffrey
They're expensive.

Toby
(contradictory)
They're not expensive.

Jeffrey
Maybe Carol has one.

Toby
Why would a cleaning lady carry a plunger with her?

Jeffrey
They clean houses. They clean bathrooms. What do they do when they see a toilet full of ~~~

Toby
They're a cleaning service. Not a hotel.

Jeffrey
They have to use something. I can't believe that millions of people have their homes cleaned everyday by thousands of cleaning services and they don't have plungers with them.

Toby
I'll get a plunger in the morning. I'm using the other bathroom. Go back to work.

Jeffrey
I can't go back to work. You upset me. We have to find the plunger. I know I backed-up the toilet at least once since we've been here. How did I unclog it? With my hands. I don't think so.

Toby

You never backed-up the toilet.

Jeffrey
Why would you remember if I backed up a toilet with ~~~?

Toby
People do. I do. You don't. You told me you have short-term memory loss.

Jeffrey
You're right. I can't even remember what I ate this morning? What did I eat?

Toby
You went to Starbucks.

Jeffrey
(emphatically)
Wrong!!! They've gotten expensive. I went to the gas station and got some of their coffee and a package of fig newtons.

Toby
Fig Newtons?

Jeffrey
Yeah. They cost 99 cents and they give you two little bars. Very tasty. Only 100 calories per bar.

Toby
How many packages did you buy?

Jeffrey
(Sheepishly)
Two.

Toby
(disappointed and slightly angry)
That's 400 calories.

Jeffrey
I'm trying to cut down on expenses. Gas is outrageous. It's up to $3 dollars a gallon.

Toby
I get gas across town. It's only $2.99 a gallon.

Jeffrey
You go across town to save a penny a gallon?

Toby
You're missing the point. It all adds up.

Jeffrey
Well, the Fig Newtons make me feel good. But, I get bloated.

Toby
Go back to work.

Jeffrey
Wait, I have an idea. Come with me.

(They go back in the bathroom - lift the top of the toilet seat to see if the water has gone down - nothing has changed)

Jeffrey
Let's use the cleaning utensil that Carol uses to clean the bowl when it's not full of ~~~

Toby

(Reaches out to stop Jeffrey from taking the cleaning utensil and placing in the bowl)
NO. NO. That's for cleaning the bowl. It's going to get full of ~~~. Carol's going to be here in the morning. She'll figure it out.

Jeffrey
(SCREAMING)
I'M NOT LEAVING A BOWL FULL OF ~~~ FOR CAROL TO DEAL WITH. WE'RE ADULTS.

Toby
I'll buy a plunger in the morning.

Jeffrey
(Ignores Toby - yanks the cleaning utensil out of the stand next to the toilet - places it in the murk - starts plunging as if it were a plunger.)
I'm not giving up. It's God's will.

Toby
God's will? Are you crazy? You're messing up the cleaning utensil. See! You got it full of ~~~.

Jeffrey
Hold on. Be patient. Watch.

Toby
Nothing's happening. All you're doing is stirring up the ~~~. It smells in here.

Jeffrey
Hold your nose.

Toby
It's not working. Go back to work. You have a client meeting in the morning.

Jeffrey
(After 3 minutes of consistent pushing and pulling with the cleaning utensil, the water gurgles and drops precipitously down the drain.)
It worked!

Toby
(curious yet angry)
I don't believe it.

Jeffrey
(showing pride)
God does not give us more than we can handle.

Toby
The utensil is full of ~~~. We can't leave it like this for Carol.

Jeffrey
Yes. You can. She's used to it.

Toby

(Toby puts the utensil back in the clean bowl -swishes it around -pulls out a can of Lysol - sprays the slightly discolored utensil - puts it back in the holding stand.)
She'll never notice.

Jeffrey
Aren't you going to thank me for unclogging the toilet?

Toby
Why? You clogged it in the first place.

Jeffrey
That was not my ~~~ in the toilet. It was not my color. I know what my ~~~ looks like. And, mine don't smell.

Toby
You're full of ~~~. You went earlier this evening.

Jeffrey
No. I didn't. I went this morning.

Toby

Than your ~~~ was there since this morning.

Jeffrey
Who cares? Stay in the moment. The bowl is clean and we didn't have to buy a plunger. We saved a lot of money.

Toby
(Leaves the guest bathroom - goes to the master bedroom)
I have to go the bathroom.

Jeffrey
Why aren't you using the guest bathroom?

Toby
I'm afraid of stopping it up.

- THE END -