Don’t Call Us – We’ll Call You

By

Jeffrey Taylor

April 8, 2010

It’s a sunny day in LA. The temperature is just right and the air is fresh and clean. I make it to the production studio ahead of schedule and drive around longing for a parking space which is hard to find. I see people hiking to the studio and prepare to take the same journey. We are all on a quest; to become contestants on a game show.

Tentatively titled “How to Spot a BSer” the show is one of Mark Burnett’s newest creations. If you do not know Mark Burnett he is the creator of “Survivor”, “Apprentice”, “5th Grader” and a show in the works with Sarah Palin. I think of him as the “Spielberg” of reality TV.

I get to the gate and they buzz me in after I say the secret word. I find the person who seems to be in charge and she gives me a packet containing the eligibility requirements (must be 18, U.S. resident, not connected with Mark or anyone else he knows), a 6 page document which asks questions about my lifestyle (what would I do with $250,000), motivation (why do I want to be on “their” show) and prison record (what did I do, how long did I serve, warrants outstanding, etc.), and a release form.

Sitting in the courtyard of Mark Burnett Productions no one is talking to anyone, except their cell phone. In fact, most of us bring reading material to occupy the time until we are called. My number is 140. I am told that they are at 128 and are about one hour behind.

I see people of all colors, ages and backgrounds and guess that I must be the oldest person in the courtyard. I open my Red Bull, quench my thirst and begin to read.

After 75 minutes, my number is called with 4 other people. We are marshaled into a small room and lined up like you see in the jail scene. We are individually photographed with our number by a person who appears to be an expert on using a digital camera.

The casting director walks in, introduces himself, tells us that they are running late and they we need to hurry. He sets up the video camera and asks us our name, age, where we live, and why we want to be on the show.

When it gets to my turn, I calmly say, “Jeffrey Taylor, 59, Scottsdale, AZ, recovering alcoholic, met thousands of alcoholics and addicts over the years and I think I’m pretty good at spotting a BSer.”

The casting people smile. The others in the room nod with approval. The casting director asks me “What do you do for a living?” I tell him that I am an author, entrepreneur and trade penny stocks. His assistant takes some notes as he goes onto the next potential candidate, a single mom with two kids. All in all I spoke for, maybe, 2 minutes.

I listen intently to the others in the room. Many of them are single parents or out of work actors who need the money. When asked why they want to be on the show they each tell of their talent to spot BSers.

Even after this experience, I cannot tell you anything about the show, if it will ever get made or whether I will be asked to be on the show.

To get an answer I called my son-in-law, Chris Hazel, who is an experienced casting director. He sees thousands of people like me trying to get on TV. We decide to have a quick dinner at their North Hollywood home before they head out to Hawaii the next day.

Over dinner with my oldest daughter (Jordana, the photographer), youngest daughter (Moira, the makeup artist), and James (high net worth concierge services), Chris tells me that a lot of shows are pitched to the networks and that many never get made.

Over dinner, I smile as I watch my children prepare a gourmet dinner for the group, play with their new dog (a bloodhound from the pound) and look for the cats which are hiding under the couch. I think about their lives in their 20s and where I was at their age. There is no comparison. They seem so much smarter, wiser, more intelligent and better prepared to deal with whatever is thrown at them. I am very proud of their accomplishments.

All of a sudden I realized that getting on a game show is like buying penny stocks. Some make it, some don’t. And, you can never tell in advance which ones are the winners.

So, if you want to get on a game show, you probably need to live in LA, NY or Las Vegas, where the shows are produced, or be rich enough to fly in when the opportunity rears its ugly head. And, you need to pitch your talent over and over again, because you never know when your stars will align with the casting director and his executive producers.

For me, I will head back to Scottsdale, trade penny stocks, go out to dinner with my wife Toby and see Michael Buble. Oh, and pray that I make it one more week to my seventh sober anniversary. Life is good, regardless of whether you will see me on reality TV or not.